5 QUESTIONS, SINGLE WOMEN CANNOT STAND

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In varying degrees, I love when people (who have never been single longer than a year) ask me questions related to my “singularity.” The questions come from a multitude of angles. Some are genuinely curious or concerned, while others are downright condescending and intrusive – a thing I called a “bitch move “but now coined by hipsters as “single-shaming.”

Now to give you some background, I have been single for six years. Yes. I’m true to it, not new to it, and my journey comes with great experiences. The first year being single was the most joyous time of my life. Serenity, peace, and freedom engulfed my very existence. It was amazing. I used this time to unwind my idiosyncrasies, invest in myself, put more time into my career, and I don’t regret a single second. Looking back, many of my female acquaintances even told me how jealous they were of my freedom and drive, but come the second year, things changed.

All of a sudden, I became the bouncing board for repetitive questions. As if I was some sort of social experiment, I would face a garden variety of questions, including, Why are you single? Are you a lesbian? Are you depressed? Do you want to talk? Who hurt you?

I admit, there came the point in time where I was maddened at the non-sincere questions fired off by some of these miserable hags, and that’s when I realized it wasn’t my problem. This was my life. I paid my bills; I made my own decisions. My compulsion led me to analyze their questions compared to the lives they led, and what I found were double standards, red herrings, and fallacies purely revealing that I was not the problem. They were.

So here is a compilation of some of those questions. I hope you find some comic relief in this, and if you have ever caught yourself asking your single friends this, then you might want to look in the mirror. Enjoy!

5 Questions Single Women Hate

...and how I react to each of them

You're beautiful girl! You need to get back out and start dating.

The thoughts in my head: Bitch. I know this, and from the way your husband looks at me, he knows this too. Do you really think I am not capable of doing something so elementary as finding a date? And I swear if she utters another foolish question, I will banish her to the depths of oblivion and never speak to her again.

What My Mouth Says: I know, girl! I’m just too busy, but you’ll be the first one I call when I’m ready.

What’s really going on: I have a list of priorities I would like to take care of, and a man is not on that list, at least not right now. I also do not live my life based on societal norms. I get it. Being married in my early 30’ and having kids is what many women desire, but not me. I am built differently. We are not the same.

You're too picky!

My Brain: …and girl, you’re not picky enough!

What My Mouth Says: I know! I’m working on it!

What’s really going on: Trust me. I’m not that picky and looking at my past boyfriends is proof. I am just not in the market and currently enjoy my freedom. I don’t have time for distractions, and honestly, I love my life. At this point, I am a firm believer that if any woman “needs” a man to complete her life, then she should reassess herself because a man should complement you, not complete you.

You have such a beautiful home! Don't you get lonely being here by yourself?

My Brain: Here we go again.

What My Mouth Says: There is no such thing as lonely places. There are only lonely people.

What’s really going on: I do not play when it comes to this question. No one, male or female, will ever step foot into my Queendom and try to power-play me. I shut this question down fast. It’s my way of letting them know that the park is just down the street if they want to play games.

When are you going to have kids?

My Brain: Lord, grant me the patience to deal with this idiot.

What My Mouth Says: (I have two responses for this)

Response 1:
Hopefully, next year. I just need to find a sperm donor. Do you know of any? (The ladies love this, and after a bit of laughter, it’s a dead subject)

Response 2:

My vagina is broken (I use this response if a woman asks the “kids” question in front of their better half. The level of discomfort in their faces is priceless, and they usually never return. Besides, I don’t need friends like this.)

Getting married is the best choice you will ever make!

My Brain: Stop lying. Marriage is not easy you buffoon.

What My Mouth Says: I bet it is and I could only imagine it for now. Tell me more about your marriage. I’m fascinated.

What’s really going on: I don’t like liars, and anyone who tells me getting married is the best choice I will ever make is clearly a liar. I am by no means a marriage-hater, but please do not tell me that it is the best choice I ever make. The best choice I will ever make are the ones that align themselves with my personality.